bladesandknives's Blog

All the time. And I'm not even talking about my anxiety/phobias this time.

My brothers just had a stupid argument and my dad got involved like he always does. I hate my dad sometimes. He picks on my younger brother without even realising it, so its no wonder he retaliates and everything escalates. I kept in my room, scared as always, blocking them out with my earphones.

Then my dad comes in and informs me my brother has put his fist through the wall and "Mr Nobby" (my younger brother) has walked out.

I wasn't involved, why come and tell me like I'm being a bitch for staying out of the way? What could I have done but make things worse?
Why talk about your son - my brother - like that? He's only making my brother resent me even more by confiding in me like I'm his sidekick.

I hate arguments. When my dad shouts - he SHOUTS. It's aggressive and terrifies the life out of me. He grits his teeth and clenches his fists. He doesn't hit us, but he doesn't need to. It's scary enough.

These blow outs happen fairly infrequently, and after them everyone sort of gets over it straight away. I, on the other hand, am plagued by guilt and fear for days, weeks afterwards. I don't know why it upsets me so much, I wish it wouldn't.

I wish he wouldn't shout and get involved. I wish I was stronger. I wish I knew how to deal with things.

Parents keep arguing.

Hurts my fucking heart.

 

Don't even know what's going on anymore with the clinic. Think they've given up on me to be honest, and to be fair I've pretty much given up on myself. 

Why am I so stubborn? It's like I don't want to let go of the hurt and shit. I want to feel like this.

And still

I don't know

WHO

I

FUCKING

AM

So..I cancelled the date.

Sigh.

A setback, and a big one.

But it's all well and good setting myself up in my mind - "I'm not gonna let S/A rule me!" - but when it comes to putting it into practice..it's a different matter.

And I don't like him all that much anymore. He's patronizing, and apparently didn't even pay enough attention to check how old I turned a month ago ¬¬ So I guess it's for the best.

I have my appointment at the youth clinic thing on Wednesday, and I'm not as scared as I thought I would be.

I couldn't make it today, so I had to ring up and reschedule. I despise talking on the phone. Big step, I guess.

Thing is, and yes this will be me rambling now, I'm doing all mental illnesses in Psychology, and each time the teacher says a new illness, I'm paranoid I've got it.

The main reason I want to get diagnosed is just so I can have confirmation - You are mental/You aren't mental.

I need to know if I'm just overreacting, or if I'm actually ill.

And then if I am, I need to decide if/how I'm going to tell my parents. My brother knows, which is great, but I don't think I can handle anyone else knowing. It's just if I need therapy..it's gonna be hard getting to it without them noticing and stuff.

 

I've been questioning my self esteem as well, recently. I know as a teenager it's completely normal to have low self esteem and to feel ugly and stuff but I don't know if mine is something else. I know this will sound like overanylsation to the point of stupidity, but..

There is not one single thing I like about myself. Truly.

I mean, my self esteem issues don't arise from 'Oh, I've got a big nose' type thing. It's every single physical feature, every single internal feature.

Once, a friend asked me in conversation 'what's your favourite feature of yourself' or something, and I am eternally afraid of coming across as attention-seeking so I thought quickly and said 'my lips' which are nothing special, and which I do not like.

I honestly could not think of a thing. I scanned myself in my head and I just hate everything. No one is perfect I know, but I just think - surely no one can like nothing about themselves?

Maybe I have the most perfect figure since Angelina Jolie, and I'm just blind to it because of some medical condition? ;) I can dream, I guess.

It just seems a little...I dunno, odd.

Like, I've seen pictures of myself as size ten and I remember feeling SO fat and so ugly, but I look good! So what is it? What is wrong with me that makes me hate myself so much?

Am I truly so disgusting that I cannot even like myself?

 

Bahhh.

And now I have another problem.

I keep falling for guys online, and hurting myself with the knowledge I can never meet with them/

Online I am witty, sharp, intelligent (or so they say...I know I'm more confident)

Hang on - before I carry on boring whichever poor soul took it upon himself to read this pitiful whine - look, right there. The bit in brackets. WHY do I doubt myself? Why? I know I'm funnier and confident and intelligent, and that it comes out much more online. Why am I doubting myself? Sigh.

...but in real life I can't be like that.

I've worked where I do for over a year now, and I'm only just letting my workmates in, talking comfortably with them.

I swear, if they weren't confident and patient enough to take the time to wait for me to 'come out of my shell'... I would be so goddamn lonely there.

I really loved a guy. At least, I think I did. Who knows what love is? But he told me I was amazing and stuff and I felt the same, but I never told him because I knew my real self wasn't what he wanted.

And then he flaunted his girlfriend all over facebook and msn and my heart hurts everytime I see it.

And now I like this guy - so much. We banter and I love it and I want to love him, but I turned him down when he asked me out and when he asked to meet up and I regret it but I know it's for the best.

So I don't know what to do, because if I cut him out of my life it's going to hurt so fucking much, but if he cuts me out first, it'll hurt even more.

I guess I can't love these guys, because with someone you love you're meant to be your complete self with them - to feel comfortable with them in silence and stuff...If I can't even talk to them in public, I guess..what? I'm never going to know love other than the love I feel for my family and long term friends??

How depressing.

And I'm also very scared.

Because if I'm honest with myself, I think I might just like him so much because he likes me. He's always on about how much he wants me, and I love it.

Yeah, we banter, we argue, we tease, we flirt and it's amazing, but in the end I know he probably just wants me for that one reason.

It's complicated.

I wish he wanted me. But how can he want someone he doesn't know?

 

 

And finally, I'm terrified. Because if I go on Wednesday and she tells me nothing is wrong with me, I don't know what the hell else to do.

I need answers, I don't want to be just a very worry-prone teenager with intimacy and self confidence issues.

I want drugs and therapy and a definite name for what I am.

But I also don't want to define myself by my illnesses!

 

I truly honestly only in life want love. I want to be myself and be loved and not worry about stupid shitty things that don't matter.

But it's not going to happen.

And if I doubt everything I do, everything I say, everything I am, how can I expect another being to do anything different?

 

 

:(

My mood: pretty pessimistic
 

I have decided to set myself the target of getting help by Christmas.

That will be nearly a year from when I started writing to my brother.

And that will be before I have to sit in Pyschology and listen to a million possible mental disorders and the reasons for them.

 

It is my aim to get help, and I intend to spend the time before building up some determination.

Wish me luck :)

It just is.

Everything just makes me feel shit today.

I want to die. So fucking much.

 

First of all, I help out at a Sunday School sort of thing, and there's a new woman helper there who patronizes me like crazy. Like, she stuck me in front of the play dough table cause she clearly didn't think I was capable of actually looking after/teaching kids when I've been doing it at least a year longer than she has, despite her age?

Fucking irritated me.

She just shoved me there like some useless spare part.

Fucking, and then I had loads of fucking homework to do that I'm just too stupid to do myself. And as I was trying not to get stressed out about it, my mum comes in and tells me she's put this thing on the electrics that's going to turn all the computers in the house off at 11.30pm every night to save energy.

My nights on here are the only relief I get.

Fucking so depressed, but how can I tell her that when I'm not allowed to be on late at night anyway?

And I have just had a humungous row with my family that I can't be bothered relaying because I feel SO FUCKING SHIT.

 

 

I want to die so much. I'm thinking about getting some vodka and pills for tomorrow and doing it after college.

Oh God. My heart actually physically hurts. I'm so sad.

I want to die.

I want to diiiiiiiiiiie :'(

 

I feel. Pure. Shite.

I feel so fucking unloved. I want to die. Now. Oh. My. God. Fucking. Please. Let. Me. Die.

 

 

 

 

Love me, daddy. All I want is you to fucking love me. What can I do?

I don't even know what you're meant to put in a blog, but I feel the need to write right now and here seems a good a place as any.

 

My dad and I don't get along. He idolizes my brothers and he makes me feel worthless and he never has any time for me. He makes me feel pathetic and he riles me so easily it's stupid.

And yet at the end of it all, he is still my dad and I am lucky to have him.

My brothers leave me out constantly, bully me, hurt my feelings every oppurtunity and make me feel invisible. But I know deep down they love me as their sister, and in the rare moments we share that aren't fighting or angry or spiteful I can almost believe it's not just because they're supposed to.

 

The fact is, if I didn't have these shitty problems that I'm too scared to face - the depression, the OCD, etc, then I'd be pretty damn happy.

I'm clever enough, I'm full of ambition, I can love with my all when I get to know you...if it weren't for my low self esteem, feeling ugly constantly, the inability to express myself, etc, I'd be dancing on the ceiling.

My family don't treat me as well as they should, but the fact is I HAVE a family. I am so lucky.

I live in a world where I >miss< the internet if it doesn't work for a few days - instead of appreciating the fact that I can afford it. I live in a world where I criticize my room for being too small to put all my stuff in - not appreciating the fact that I have all the materialistic belongings in the first place. I live in a world where my dad would hang, draw and quarter anyone who hurt me in the slightest, would sell a limb to get me the best education, cried at the sight of me in a bridesmaid dress....but all I can think about is how he doesn't think being good at writing stories is anything to be proud of. How all I want in the world is for my dad to come and give me a hug and tell me I am loved.

 

I live in a world that should be perfect, and is nearly as fucked up as I am.

 

It breaks my heart to know there is such evil in this world.

I hate how niave I am about what happened. I hate how little I truly know.

I hate how I am not strong enough to even watch the 9/11 programmes on TV - much less go through what the victims had to.

There has not been nearly enough recognition over the years for what happened.

In honesty, I didn't remember the significance of the 11th. It should have been there in my mind long before September even approached, and yet even on the 10th it didn't register. All I was concerned with was the fact I was starting college on the 11th  - not the tragedy that happened 8 years ago.

I can't even begin to imagine the fear and pain the victims must have endured. It is unimaginable to think of those people receiving a phone call from their loved ones, saying goodbye in the worst possible way.

The buildings can be rebuilt, the rubble can be cleared, but no one will replace those lost.

My thoughts are with those who lost loved ones. Eight years have passed too quickly, but they will always be remembered.