Hate being so stupidly scared | bladesandknives's Blog

All the time. And I'm not even talking about my anxiety/phobias this time.

My brothers just had a stupid argument and my dad got involved like he always does. I hate my dad sometimes. He picks on my younger brother without even realising it, so its no wonder he retaliates and everything escalates. I kept in my room, scared as always, blocking them out with my earphones.

Then my dad comes in and informs me my brother has put his fist through the wall and "Mr Nobby" (my younger brother) has walked out.

I wasn't involved, why come and tell me like I'm being a bitch for staying out of the way? What could I have done but make things worse?
Why talk about your son - my brother - like that? He's only making my brother resent me even more by confiding in me like I'm his sidekick.

I hate arguments. When my dad shouts - he SHOUTS. It's aggressive and terrifies the life out of me. He grits his teeth and clenches his fists. He doesn't hit us, but he doesn't need to. It's scary enough.

These blow outs happen fairly infrequently, and after them everyone sort of gets over it straight away. I, on the other hand, am plagued by guilt and fear for days, weeks afterwards. I don't know why it upsets me so much, I wish it wouldn't.

I wish he wouldn't shout and get involved. I wish I was stronger. I wish I knew how to deal with things.